Good “Day” for a Cruise

I asked a couple people if they wanted to join me for “a movie” after work today. It turned out they both had plans already, so, as I often do, I went alone. It’s just as well. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I was seeing “Knight and Day” anyway. “It had a funny preview,” I would have choked out. But that would have been disingenuous of me. The real reason I went to see “Knight and Day”—aside from having an AMC gift card to burn—was that I wanted an excuse to write about Tom Cruise.

There are very few celebrities bigger than Tom Cruise. I would wager that more people know his name than Beyonce’s. I would wager that more people know his name than Meryl Streep’s. Than Wolf Blitzer’s. Than Salman Rushdie’s. Think about that line from “Gone in 60 Seconds”: “Impound them all. I don’t give a damn if it belongs to Tom Cruise!” They could’ve chosen any L.A.-based celebrity for that line. And they chose him. There’s a reason for it.

He’s just been so big for so long. (t.w.s.s.) Find me someone who’s never seen a Tom Cruise movie and I’ll give you $10 (blind people don’t count.) And yet he’s the reason—let’s be real here—for my lack of disclosure today: “You’re going to see that Tom Cruise movie?” my friends would’ve said, “Why?! He’s nuts!”

I’m just going to say it: I enjoy Tom Cruise. I always have. I don’t think he’s the greatest actor of our time. I don’t think he’s a particularly awesome person. I don’t think I’d really want to have a coffee and scone with him. But you can’t deny that he’s made some classic-ass movies. He has an on-screen quality that one doesn’t see every day. I don’t care about all the shit people say about him—that…

a)…he’s crazy! Did you see when he was jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch shouting about how much he loved Katie Holmes!? Yeah, I did. Did you see that time Ozzie Osbourne ate the fucking head off of a bat in front of 10,000 people? Did you see Christian Bale go off on his production team? Did you see the way Dave Eicke ripped off his belt and threw it across the room at karaoke the other night? People do crazy things. Especially entertainers. Especially when they’re in love or trying to fake it. Jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and declaring love for your lawfully wedded wife is not an offense punishable by loss of respect as a performer. It was actually refreshing to see someone not turn into The Orphan Oliver in front of Oprah.

b)…he adheres to a crazy religion! Do I even need to deal with this? Let’s say an alien landed on Earth and we all took turns explaining our belief systems and the lore involved therein. Scientology would not sound any crazier than any of the other religions (see George Carlin). Perhaps it would even sound less crazy. At least he’s not bombing anyone or holding Inquisitions.

c)…he brainwashed Katie Holmes! Bullshit. Katie Holmes did not drink any Kool-Aid. She chose to become Mrs. Cruise. She chose to be a Scientologist. She chose to towel off after Dawson’s Creek. No one brainwashed her but herself.

d)…he’s a bad actor! No he’s not. Watch him in “Magnolia.” Watch him in “Jerry Maguire.”  Christ, watch him in “Tropic Thunder”! When he wants to, the man can act.

e)…but he’s playing the same crazy character in all those movies! So is Jack Nicholson.

A friend of mine said, after seeing the preview, that it “looked like Tom Cruise playing a secret agent guy—playing Tom Cruise.” All right, I’ll give him that. Cruise didn’t really “dissolve” into this character as the great actors do. He didn’t become Roy Miller. It was more like demonic possession.

But, you know, if was fun to watch.

“Knight and Day” knows exactly what it is. The action is so hyperbolic that it would almost qualify as a send-up of the Bond Genre. What makes the movie work, I think, is the dialogue during the action scenes. (I would call it “banter,” but there’s too much screaming.) Cruise plays an action hero that also doubles as a sort of life coach, full of smiles and compliments and positive reinforcement for Cameron Diaz’s horribly incapable character, which, amid the car chases and gunfire and helicopters, is somehow hilarious.

Diaz and Paul Dano also pretty much play themselves, Diaz a spastic, goofy, leggy, and  occasionally moronic blonde named June and Dano a geeky boy-genius named Simon Feck, inventor of a Certs-pack-size battery, code-named Zephyr, that never runs out of energy.

The plot of the movie revolves around the Zephyr. Everyone wants it: Spanish arms dealers, the CIA (once again portrayed as corrupt) and of course Roy. Roy’s the only one left who wants to protect & preserve the inventor and the invented for honorable purposes, and June gets wrapped up in it all unwittingly. Action scenes ensue, along with a running gag of people getting drugged. Solid. Gotta love GHB jokes.

I love it when movies like this don’t take themselves too seriously. It embraces its physical impossibilities, its Dad jokes (“I have to be there. My little sister April is getting married. She’s April. I’m June. She’s Marching down the aisle…”) and its subtle references (Tom Cruise’s opening scene is him eating an ice cream cone–a nutty one–wink!). Sure, there’s not much chemistry between Cruise and Diaz, but how is anyone going to have chemistry with Cruise these days? It’s like having chemistry with Gary Busey. Frankly I would worry. Chemistry is overrated anyway, when there’s ridiculousness to be had. And with these reactants, plus Hall and Oates on the soundtrack, there’s perfect chemistry for that.