Step Up 3D: Popper releases balloons, gets discovered.

I actually went to an open casting call to be an extra in this movie. Unfortunately, work got in the way of my dreams, and I could never make it to any of the shoots. Upon seeing it, however, I realized I was much too clean-cut and White to be an extra in this movie. Instead, I would’ve had to have been the main character. Ah well, there’s always “Step Up 4D,” where the dancers become unstuck in Time and Space.

Yes, it’s strange to have every film in this franchise star a pair of pretty Caucasians when it’s safe to say that most great hip-hop dancers are, um, not that. But what’s that saying? “If it ain’t broke…” And we can’t exactly cry Racism, because the man at the helm of all this, John M. Chu, is also not white. So it’s obviously a strategy to sell tickets, which I’m okay with if it can keep what is probably my favorite ultra-stupid, ultra-entertaining franchise afloat.

They’re great for DVD, these movies. I don’t own very many DVDs in general, but I do own Step Up, Step Up 2, Stomp the Yard, How She Move, You Got Served, Breakin’, Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo, Planet B-Boy, and Rize. With the exception of the last two, which are quality documentaries, they’re all what I call “chapter movies,” which means, when you pop them in, you don’t hit “Play Movie.” You hit “Chapter Selection.” Because no one who isn’t out of his gourd is watching these for plot, acting, or wit. You watch these movies for the dancing. There’s torture porn, right? We’ve all heard of that. And then there’s this: dance porn. My cup of tea.

Step Up 3D delivers exactly what any reasonable person would expect it to deliver. Moose (Adam G. Sevani), the lanky, mop-headed, logorrheic dancer from the last installment, is going through Freshman Orientation at NYU when he’s distracted by a pair of Nikes and finds himself accidentally in a dance-off with ‘Kid Darkness’ (Daniel “Cloud” Campos from this ridiculously sexy Shakira video), a member of the “evil” crew, the Samurai.

During his spasms, he inadvertently releases about a hundred helium balloons from a vendor’s cart. When the cops chase him for his blunder, he’s “rescued” by Luke (Rick Malambri), our prettycracker hero and Captain of the “good” crew, the Pirates. Luke leads him to his secret warehouse space, where a community of talented street dancers lives and rehearses together.

The rest of the <airquotes> plot revolves around this space, which his parents bought for him before they died. The bank is threatening to sell it, the rent having been neglected for months, and the only way to pay for it is by winning World Jam, which is “like, the biggest battle ever.”

In their way are the evil Samurai, led by evil Julien, another over-muscled white guy with a Cleopatra neck. But on their side is fetching newcomer Natalie (Sharni Vinson), the female lead and apple of Luke’s eye. After some cat & mouse, the two blow Slurpees out of straws atop what appears to be a giant subway vent under the Brooklyn Bridge and then make out. Romantic. Must smell great up there.

Will they be able to win the World Jam and save the Dance Lair from Richie Rich Cleopatra Bad Guy? I don’t know. Whatever. There’s going to be some impressive dancing. Everything else can go to Hell.

The talent of the movie is in the supporting cast, which includes two spindly Argentinian twins (the Lombards), a brightly bespectacled dancer/electrician (the amazing tWitch from SYTYCD), an archetypal Wise African Guy (Keith Stallworth), the tall, boneless Asian guy (Glee‘s ‘Other Asian,’ Harry Shum Jr.), the inhumanly talented popper (‘Madd Chadd’ from LXD), and even cameos from choreographer Dave Scott and former SYTYCD champion Joshua, who play evil-crew people. These are the folks who can really dance.

These guys all showcase their stuff in three main performances. (Don’t worry: there are minor ones too, to get you through.) The first round is against a dirty crew–like, literally covered in dirt. The second round is against “the champions of Asia,” and is just downright hilarious. (And we learn this: Asians can’t dance in water.) The third and final round is against the Samurai, of course, and I’ll let you watch that one. It’s a spectacle of spectacles.

Structurally, “Step Up 3D” went the way of “You Got Served.” The two previous installments centered around an Arts school in Baltimore, where hip-hop and ballet were fused into some kind of ferociousness and teenage hormones felled class barriers. This one centered around a straight-up Battle for money, territory, and pride, a la “Served.” No real classist issues or style fusion going on here. But they were expendable anyway.

Also, unlike the previous two, it takes a small time-out to pay homage to dance films of yore. Moose and his childhood friend (Alyson Stoner) launch into a Singin’ In the Rain-style ditty accompanied by music playing from an ice cream truck. That’s what I’d like to see more of: spontaneous dancing for which there is no valid context and for which all logic melts away. If there were just some way to remove the singing from musicals…

You’re going to read some bad reviews of this movie, and this is understandable. Not everyone is going to realize that reviewing John Chu for coherence and narrative makes as much sense as reviewing Von Trier for the dancing. Ever seen “The Perfect Human“? Turns out he can’t do air flares.